Platz 20 “Girls are like cartons of milk. Each one has a hotness expiration date and you've hit yours. I'm not saying the occasional guy won't still go to the fridge, open you up, take a sniff, shrug and take a sip anyway: but it's all downhill from here.”
Platz 19 “Relapse high-five! That’s where we high five, then it gets awkward for a bit, and then we high five again.”
Platz 18 „Your ego's writing checks your body can't cash.“
Platz 17 “God, it’s me, Barney. What up? I know we don’t talk much, but I know a lot of girls call out your name because of me.”
Platz 16 “When will you learn that the only difference between my life and porno is my life has better lighting?”
Platz 15 “It’s gonna be legen – wait for it, and I hope you’re not lactose intolerant because the second half of that word is… dairy!”
Platz 14 “Think of me as Yoda, only instead of being little and green, I wear suits and I’m awesome. I’m your bro: I’m Broda!”
Platz 13 “A lie is just a great story that someone ruined with the truth.”
Platz 12
“If I could nail any celebrity, it would have to be Scarlett Johansson. She's hot, she's talented, and any woman who does that many Woody Allen movies has to have major daddy issues.”
Platz 11 “I am Mr Charity. I frequently sleep with sixes, chubsters and over 30's. I am the Bill and Melinda Gates of the sympathy bang.”
Platz 10 “With great penis comes great responsibility.”
Platz 9 “Here’s the mini-cherry on top of the regular cherry on top of the sundae of awesomeness that is my life.”
Platz 8 “In my body, where the shame gland should be, there is a second awesome gland.”
Platz 7 “Suits are full of joy. They’re the sartorial equivalent of a baby’s smile.”
Platz 6 „Back boobs... the visual stimulation of missionary meets the emotional detachment of doggy style, patent pending.“
Platz 5 „I'm taking the rest of my bonus to God's strip club.“
Platz 4 „Question: How to make sure your date doesn't become your girlfriend? The rules for dating are the same as the rules for Gremlins. Rule 1: Never get them wet; in other words, don't let her shower at your place. Rule 2: Keep them away from sunlight; i.e., never see then during the day. Rule 3: Never feed them after midnight; meaning she doesn't sleep over and you don't have breakfast with her, ever!“
Platz 3 “A Bro is always entitled to do something stupid, as long as the rest of his Bros are all doing it.”
Platz 2 “Suit up!”
Platz 1 “When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. True story.”
